Sunday 30 October 2011

"I was happier before I had a child."


 I read in a women's magazine this week (Grazia) an article entitled I was happier before I had a child.

The essence of the article was about what the author felt she'd had to give up in having her baby and the daily "tedious chores" and "constant demands" of a baby which give "no break" to the mother. She refers to "study after study [where] the gist is that our 'life satisfaction', 'marital satisfaction', and 'mental wellbeing' declines sharply after having children."

The author goes on to question why people feel unable to moan about motherhood: "Why, if you profess anything less than utter joy at being a mother, are you seen as a bad one?" Really? I would argue that most of my friends with young children are very realistic about the difficulties of motherhood; it is just that we try to balance it with the positives too. 

In contrast the author goes on to talk about how she reminisces about her "lovely life" before she had a baby: "our holidays, weekends, finances, social life, even our relationship were better before she came along." I have to say that this quote made me very sad. It kind of feels indicative of the society that we live in where everything is about "me, me, me." I am sure we all have days where we wish that things could be a bit different: more money, more time, less nappies, more sleep. But bringing children into the world should not, to my mind, be about our own personal fulfilment; it should not be another tick box item of 'things to do to make me feel happier / be a better person.' It is about love for another, responsibility, amazing joys and utter craziness. It cannot be contained in a neat little box and labelled quite as easily as the author of this article seems to want it to be.  

The author finishes by saying that she does not regret having her baby and knows that when her daughter is grown up, she will know "it was all worth it." I think it's a trap that we can all fall into in so many aspects of life where we look back on the past with a romantic view of the past. In the author's case, and sometimes in mine and my husband's too, when we reminisce about long lie-ins, late nights out and the freedom that comes with youth, we romanticise how things were.

The truth is, that having children means life cannot compare to how it was before, in any way at all. There are challenges and there are joys. But I think it is sad that this mother feels she will be able to say it was worth it when looking back on motherhood, rather than living in the moment as she faces the ups and downs that daily life brings. 

Whatever challenges I face as a mother, I want to remind myself to say (and believe me, it's not always easy) that it is worth it. I want to try and live in each moment, each day, each week of my childrens' lives and enjoy what God has given us as a family: not to compare my situation to other peoples' or to my life previously but to remember that, even when the going gets tough, it is worth it. 

Thursday 20 October 2011

Wobble Wobble


 ~ The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27 ~

With a two year old who gives a running commentary of everything that happens in our day, the phrase of today has been "wobble wobble."

My youngest has been sitting up solo for the last couple of weeks, but so unsteadily that I have felt only able to encourage this new skill whilst I've been sitting behind ready to catch him when he falls. Today, for the first time, I decided that he was steady enough to sit on his own with only some cushions behind him to break his fall. As my eldest and I watched him sitting there all by himself, we alternated between giving him a clap for sitting alone, and saying "wobble wobble" as he teetered this way and that.

This afternoon we went for a walk with my son's new balance bike. Despite the fact that it was the first time he'd used it outside of our garden, and despite that the fact that he was very unsteady, he would not let me help at all and kept pushing my hand away whenever I tried to steady him. There was lots of "wobble wobble" as he was cycling along and I stopped counting how many times he fell over when it reached double figures! But despite my fears as he insisted on propelling himself down hills, I was also immensely proud that, despite the wobbles, he was persevering and eventually succeeding. 

Today at various points (as on many days) my heart has been in my mouth as I've watched my children explore and experiment doing things without my help. I've realised that I have to let them have their wobbles, or else they won't progress in life. 

I also think this is a really lovely image of how God is with us. As His children, He has to allow us to go and do things for ourselves and as we learn new things and walk new paths He can take a step back, watch us wobble and make mistakes; but always He is ready to catch us when we fall, to praise us when we succeed and to watch over us as we say "wobble wobble" before taking a deep breath and continuing on. 

Today has been a day of "wobble wobble", and all the positive and scary emotions that come with that. I still can't quite comprehend that all the feelings I feel for my children as a mum - the love, the pride, the nerves as they branch out solo - are feelings that God feels for me as His child.

And even more amazing is that God feels that way about my children too: when I am a bit too far away to stop their fall, or when my heart is in my mouth over their new adventures, God is always there, looking after them, waiting for me to trust them into His loving arms. 

Monday 17 October 2011

It would have been okay if.....


On Saturday morning I had a lie-in and when I finally surfaced I heard hubby shouting to ask if I could run the bath as our youngest had a seriously leaking nappy! Oh the joys!

After the 'incident' had been cleaned up and I asked how their morning had been hubby commented "it would have been okay if he hadn't pooed"!

I decided that the phrase "it would have been okay if..." just about sums up parenting.

For me last week, the week would have been okay if the boys hadn't been ill with colds and therefore fairly grumpy and testing a lot of the time. Friday in particular would have been okay if my youngest had had a proper lunchtime nap rather than waking up after an hour tired and fed-up but unwilling to sleep again. The rest of the afternoon would have been ok if I'd had a chance to put my feet up over lunch time, rather than being grouchy that my 'me-time' had been interrupted. My eldest probably would have been okay in the afternoon if I'd not been really impatient with him because I was so fed-up. 

Eventually, "it would have been okay if..." became "it's really not okay" as 'one of those days' became 'two of those days' which eventually became 'one of those weeks'!

And one thing I realised reflecting on last week was that it would have been okay if I had stopped what I was doing and asked God to help me. Instead, I, for some reason, struggled on, getting more and more tired and more and more impatient. I didn't allow myself the time to stop and feel God's presence with me and didn't think to ask for his spirit to fill me and to help me in my situation. 

I sometimes find it easier to pray for the 'big' things where it is clear that God really needs to work by His power, but I often neglect to pray for the small things that I need God's help with on a daily basis. Last week I forgot that God is there for me in all the daily ups and downs of life. Last week may still have been difficult, but it also might have been a little more okay if I had stopped to pray to God. 

This whole thing reminds me of a beautiful hymn my Grandad used to sing, and this coming week I will be trying to remember its message. 


What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear.
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer.
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer.
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Saturday 8 October 2011

It was only 10 pence...


Today we met a man. He was standing outside our local shop carrying a six-pack of lager, looking unkempt and unshaven. This man taught me a lesson which Jesus also taught his followers:

'whatever you do for the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you also do for me.' (Matthew 25 v 40)

So often the emphasis of this verse is on what we are doing for others. I guess a lovely story would be about how I was able to help this man out in some way, then go on my way feeling good about myself, reminding myself 'I did it for Jesus'. Instead, I was on the receiving end of a blessing from him. Whether or not he was a Christian, I don't know, but I do know that he treated me in such a way as to remind me that as well as being called to be a disciple of Christ, I am also 'the least' and that God seeks to bless me through other people. 

What happened was very mundane: we needed 10 pence. It wasn't life or death, it was just that we wanted to buy a newspaper and we'd both come out without wallets so had managed to find the necessary £2 in various pushchair pockets and baskets. But, it turned out that £2 wasn't enough - we were 10 pence short and this gentleman looked on as we comically searched through the pockets of my eldest son's jacket just in case he'd squirrelled away some coins. We shared a joke with the gentleman that we might find a fortune in there and then I suggested to my husband that we'd just have to go home and get some more cash. 

At which point, the unkempt, unshaven man carrying a six-pack of lager dug deep in his pockets and asked us how much we were short, then offered me a whole fistful of change to choose from. 

It was only 10 pence, but in our society where everyone is so keen not to get involved in other peoples' problems or conversations, this incident really touched me. It made me feel guilty about the prejudices I carry around, where I feel that from a quick glance at someone, I am able to judge things about them; it made me realise that I need to be more like that man - willing to help in whatever small way I can; and it made me realise that I need to be more willing to accept the kindness of strangers - let them treat me as a brother or sister of Jesus without them expecting anything in return.

It was only 10 pence, but it was worth so much more. 

Monday 3 October 2011

Blessings


I have spent most of the weekend lying in bed recovering from a virus. I was devastated to have to miss the reception of our friends' wedding on Saturday and to miss the fun of a full house yesterday with my hubby and boys, and a house full of grandparents, in-laws, and nieces / nephews. 

However, as I lay in bed, grumpy and fed-up, listening to all the fun that was going on in our garden, I suddenly felt an unbelievable sense of being very blessed: blessed by my amazing parents and parents-in-law who are so wonderful looking after my boys, and by a family who all have so much fun together and are willing to give so much support to each other.

Most of all, I realised what a joy my children are and how I don't stop to notice this enough. It's easier with my youngest son as he stays still for long enough for me to just enjoy him! With my eldest though, I realised that during a normal day I am so focused on running the house, getting us out of the door for toddler groups, cooking meals, changing nappies, dealing with tantrums (the list could go on) that I don't spend enough time looking at him, marvelling at the little boy he is becoming and noticing the lovely little things about his personality.

Yesterday, with all the normal jobs and routines of childcare taken over by other family members I was able to just listen to him chatting away, playing games with his cousins or watch him out of the window digging up soil. I was able to fully enjoy him being him without the normal ups and downs of daily life that I usually have to contend with as well. 

John 1 v 16 states "from the fullness of His grace, we have received one blessing after another." Yesterday I was able to pause and reflect on some of the blessings God has given me. My prayer for the coming week is that I will continue to find time to do that and to thank God for all that He gives me. 

I pray that you too, whatever your circumstance, will find some time in the coming days to realise the ways that God has blessed you through your families, your friends and your children; that through the ups and downs of a normal week, you will experience more of God's grace and more of His blessings being heaped upon you.